Jul 23, 2011

Getting Back Up

The last two weeks have completely thrown my blogging and writing schedule to the dogs. All of my blog posts lately have been about Conor, and I've managed to write all of a single paragraph on my secondary WIP.

Everyone is being so supportive, telling me to take my time and not to rush myself. I'm my own biggest critic in this. I've gone through feelings of worthlessness, anger and guilt, all over the fact that I haven't been writing. It's been one of the hardest things to admit that I'm not this hardcore author who can keep working even while suffering the grief from the worst day of my life. My ego has taken a beating. I'm not the kind of person who can go through what's happened and come out unscathed.

In my heart, I know this just makes me a good person. Part of me is relieved to know that this has wounded me, and I still need time to heal.

But I want to write. I have a book coming out next year, and I want to be able to query the next book in the series by then, so that if it's accepted I can hope to see it come out the following year. I have a secondary WIP which calls to me. And now yet another idea which I want to play around with. I can't do these things, tell these stories I love to tell, unless I just write. It hurts. Sometimes I don't want to move or even lift my head.

But it's time to get back up. I've been hit hard. I've fallen. It's time to get back up. I don't know how long it'll take to get my strength back, but I have to start. My blog schedule may still suffer and my word count may be low.

But I'm getting back up.

9 comments:

  1. It's called courage, Paul, and you have it by the bucketful. Do what's right for you, not what other people tell you.

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  2. If you were the kind of guy who was unfazed by these things you wouldn't be half the man you are. Empathy is one of the best traits of all.

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  3. Your writing is calling you most likely because it will help you heal. It's your process, and it's okay for you to honor it. And, you honor Conor by doing what you love.

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  4. Paul, what Melissa said is so true. Writing is so much a part of who you are. That is why it is calling you. I wrote through my grief all my life and it is what saved me sanity. Blessings to you and your family.
    Karen

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  5. Paula: Thank you. I don't exactly feel very brave, I just know that I'm not me unless I'm writing.

    Quilla: Thanks. I just need to learn to balance my grief with my need to work.

    Melissa: I do hope this helps me heal. And I know Conor would rather see me keep writing.

    Karen: Thank you.

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  6. Feelings of guilt and worthlessness are very common pieces of depression, which is a natural thing for you to be going through right now. Sometimes they're the worst part of depression. It might be hard to convince yourself that you're a worthwhile person, especially when you don't live up to your own productivity expectations, but try, try, try. You *are* strong and good and productive. Just keep coasting through those guilt attacks and you'll get where you need to be.

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  7. Audrey: I expect you're right. I went through mild depression once before, but it took me a couple of years to even realise the problem.

    I'm glad I can stop and watch for signs this time, and that I have all the comments here and on Facebook and Twitter to look back on if I need to push through a bad moment.

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  8. You should do what feels right, Paul. And shift direction if that's what's needed, too.

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  9. I realised an interesting point, Elizabeth, that I've found it easier to get back to my main WIP than my secondary. My secondary one, Nightfall, has a fairly solo hero. His journey is one he has to take alone. Even though he has friends, they need his help more than he needs theirs.

    But my main WIP, Silent Oath, the sequel to my first novel, deals with how my protagonist has to learn to accept the help of his friends in order to succeed. It's something of a lesson for me, too, letting others in to help me through this.

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