Mar 30, 2017

Checking In

Feels like an age since I had a reliable blogging schedule. The black dog is really kicking my ass. I'm doing okay, generally; therapy is going well, and my current course of antidepressants has milder symptoms than the first one I was put on. I was on Xanax for a while, but I've been taken off it now, which means I'm more alert but also means my morning anxiety is back. Mornings are a special hell of heart-pounding, sweating, shaking, gagging stress.

There's also some family stuff going on which I can't really go into too much detail on right now. I can talk privately about it but it'll be at least another month or so before I know how much I can say publicly. Suffice it to say I'm facing up to the realities of emotional abuse.

Writing is going poorly. I'm trying to find a balance between self-care and productivity, but whether it's been the side-effects of my meds or exhaustion from anxiety, I've been finding it very difficult to keep to a proper schedule. I am so afraid of letting people down. More than that, I miss how good it feels to make progress on a story. To watch the thing come alive as I type.

I'd be lost without the support of my friends, and my amazing wife.

These are issues I've been keeping locked up all my life. I know it's going to take time to come through this, but I still want to be the author I know I can be. Thank you all for your support and patience. I'll try not to take too long with the work ahead.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Paul, oh dear, have I been so out of the loop that I missed anything you've posted about what you're going through. I am so so sorry. I really do feel your pain. I am turning 68 in a few weeks and am still recovering from the effects of emotional abuse I suffered as a child, teen and young adult. The best I can tell you is that once you understand that you're suffering from PTSD and that any little thing can trigger you, it gets a wee bit easier. I am starting to recognize when I'm triggered and can tell myself the situation I'm in now is not life and death, although it certainly feels that way to my nervous system. Sending you virtual hugs and blessings